Dear Diary today started like every other day, I woke up grumpy, lethargic and dizzy. My baby bump is beginning to show and my back was killing me. Four months pregnancy is no joke.
My boobs had started to swell up and my nonexistent hips suddenly began to manifest, That was one of the only positive changes to my body, to think that I had spent so many days on my knees praying for my backside to increase, who knew it would take a pregnancy to finally fill out my hips, no more "flatty dumpty Kate", I was getting curvy, sadly my curves were also manifesting in my tummy, the thing was shooting out like no man’s business.
I had heard that Pregnancy affected your mood, that some women became moody, in my own case I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy or the mere fact that my husband was so annoying. I remember the day I told him I was Pregnant, he held me for shorter that three minutes and raced out to call his friends, that evening there was a lot of fist pumping and shouts of “Madam the Madam” I was pissed and humiliated.
“Was I married to a man or a child?” I wondered, it dawned on me then and has dawned on me ever since that when this child comes I would have two children on my hands and not one.
As my tummy grew in size so did our quarrels, he was extremely irresponsible, can you imagine he has started keeping late nights, from coming home by Nine p.m, he started coming by 11 p.m now if I see him before 12 midnight then it was a miracle, My First Trimester was a difficult one and I was so alone during that period, no assistance, no encouragement, nothing!!!
Nkiru tried for me this period sha, she told me what to eat, what not to eat, if anything this pregnancy had finally brought my best friend back into my life, Even Baller was not there for me, he has gone back to the United States…can’t say I was unhappy about it, I was not in the mood to be making small talk every day and I was beginning to feel guilty about how close we were becoming.
Yesterday Maximilian bought a puppy, you will not believe it a puppy?? I am four months pregnant and my husband brings a puppy home, I was fed up, we fought like two lions at war, I called him names and told him I regretted marrying him, that he was an overgrown baby who was twelve years old in his head…..
“Too harsh? “Yeah I thought so, but at least he took his puppy and left me alone, I had just started having cramps there was no way I could have coped with the additional stress of taking care of a puppy, so after the fight I killed him.
No…not technically, but whilst I was dreaming, last night when I went to bed I had the most disturbing dream, I was in a market place and I suddenly started looking for my baby, I started acting like a deranged person and accusing everyone , I saw my husband walking by and I thought he had come to help , instead he came to ask me for the key to my car that he wanted to go out because his car was acting up, I lost it, I literally lost my mind. I attacked him and started hitting him with all my strength, when he hit me back I became angrier and grabbed a Knife from a Market Stall and stabbed him right in his stomach.
…shivers it was so real, I felt the metal go through his Skin and heard the noise of air coming out, he looked as shocked as I was, we stood there for a short while staring into each others eyes then I began to feel the life leaving his body, I woke up screaming and sweating like a mad woman, if not that Maximilian rushed in and held me in his arms I would have sworn it was real.
So what does this mean? Since they say Dreams are visual interpretations of our worst nightmares or strongest desires …was I a woman capable of murder? i wondered.
Sigh do you know what still scares me, just for a moment, for a brief moment when he started dying I felt a feeling akin to slight relief....#scared.