WHY FORGIVE A CHEATING SPOUSE?

Notice the key word here is Spouse and not boyfriend/girlfriend, Lover, Partner e.t.c, that is not to say when partners in a relationship cheat it doesn’t hurt as much cos trust me it does, but if you are in a relationship with a serial cheater why marry that person?, I don’t understand that school of thought so let’s focus on the married folks. Cheating, Creeping, Dipping in the pond, Infidelity, Adultery, stepping out …whatever you call it but what do you do when your spouse breaks your marriage vows?

Firstly why this topic again you may ask, why the constant obsession with cheating and infidelity? There are worse ways to hurt someone than being unfaithful to them, why can’t people just accept the fact that everyone cheats or may have tendencies to cheat. Why can’t we focus on more productive things in a relationship like better sex or financial and Spiritual growth? Or getting your spouse to not pour water all over the place after a bath (forgive me I digress).

My response is why not, Beyonce just dropped a full album whose entire focus is on infidelity, turning the streets of Hollywood to the game of “find Becky with the good hair? “ (You may have to listen to her track “ Sorry” on her new album Lemonade to understand this line.) But after all the car smashing, threats garnished in obvious innuendo’s on her tracks and the Bey Hive mob searching for every White or fair looking celebrity that has crossed Jay Z’s path to pour their wrath on, Simple minded folks asked the question. “If he truly cheated on you, severally and caused you this much pain why won’t you just leave him?” their words not mine..

To address this question I will try to cross reference what I know from my immediate environment, 

First of all in some communities in Nigeria if your husband cheats on you, unless him and the side chick come to physically move you out of your matrimonial home it is not enough reason to leave him, (says our mothers and grandmothers and every other woman influenced by a woman over fifty years). If your man is cheating, you must do everything in your nature to get him back. Pray harder, lose weight, nag less, wear sexy clothes, be more adventurous in bed…and this one gets me every time. Look the other way, it is in a man’s nature to be Polygamous. (rolls eyes) on the other hand if a woman cheats on her husband you may hear things like send her away, don’t touch her again, if you stay with her you will bring a curse to your children, you may die, she is a witch, Jezebel. Beat her in public, strip her naked, seize all the material things you have ever bought for her, stone her to death ok that is a bit much but you get my drift.

There is such a hypocritical dichotomy when this issue is being discussed by people it is appalling, if a woman can forgive a cheating husband why can’t a man forgive a cheating wife? Is the hurt of a man proportionally disproportionate to the hurt of a woman? Is a woman built to endure pain and a man built to be pampered even at the height of his indiscretion? Ok I am speaking too much English let’s move on.

Why forgive a spouse that has broken your trust, when a spouse cheats it leaves you heartbroken, angry, disgusted, humiliated, and you feel as if you were not good enough that is why they strayed, so after going through this train of emotions why let that person back into your life ever again.

(Just my thoughts) I think it’s because they question what the alternative is?

Do the women want to cry their way into the dating game again, at forty with two kids, child birth scars? A job that does not understand emotional trauma, do they even have the energy to start afresh? Start shaving their legs, navigating the world of savage men, playing the Jedi game to find out who really is in this for the real you and not what is between your legs. They wonder which man will ever take them seriously with the sexy more active young girls a dime a dozen in the streets. Some of them wail “Which man will want me and the baggage I carry and additional two kids”

  

For the men do they want to start competing again for these young girls who want to receive a MacBook, latest IPhone, a pair of louboutins, a trip to Dubai and that’s just within the first month of dating, to make matters worse you are not even sure you guys are exclusive. Men begin to discover that dating her as a side chick and giving her 5% of his time in a day is more tolerable than inviting her to move in with him and his kids. She does not want to clean like your wife did, nor make you lunch to take to work at 6.00 a.m., she just wants to cuddle in bed, watch African Magic , wear expensive hair extensions and blow out your card shopping.

Why forgive a cheating spouse? I will be darned if I know the answer to that, perhaps there is a certain neuron discovery within you that whispers to you that no one is perfect, man , woman , Human beings are all infallible and people are not above making mistakes. 

If you are the Lovey dovey type maybe you realize that no other human outside of your parents will love you as much as this human being and maybe over the years you have worked hard to have this secure family , will you throw it all way because of a little indiscretion.

The Bible tells us to forgive, and I hear this quote all the time “love forgives all” thrown around. So if you have the misfortune of experiencing infidelity You and only You can decide on your next line of action, regardless of if your spouse is a man or woman only the person who feels the hurt most can decide on what to do. If you have married a serial cheater well good luck, I hear they are drugs you can take to prevent contracting HIV , you may have to use the Google button to research your sanity cos Dakky has no clue to drop on this one.